I think this little excerpt from David Whyte’s poem beautifully illustrates the paradoxical nature of being human.

We each have an outer Onstage life of work and family and relationships. These are the things that other people can see about us, perhaps the things we want them to see about us. These include our professional and social masks, our different roles and responsibilities at work and home, our social media presence, our qualifications, expertise, reputation and influence.

The Onstage life is very much the focus of our western culture. The work that we do, how much we achieve, and how we look while we’re doing it. These things are highly regarded, so this encourages us to focus our attention externally.

But the flipside is we also have a Backstage Life, that private and personal internal part of our Self that we may seldom share with others.  This is where we hold our deepest values and beliefs, the things we love and hate, our hopes and dreams, self-doubts, fears, and prejudices. Very few people may get to meet our Backstage self because it doesn’t feel safe to share her openly, so we keep her hidden away.  It doesn’t help that many workplace cultures encourage people to leave their personal inner lives at the door with a clear separation between one’s professional and personal life.  Sometimes we hide our inner self so successfully, we risk losing touch with her ourselves.

But when we strive to be authentic and to show up as our true selves in our life and work, our inner and outer lives need to be in closer alignment.  This is much easier said than done though, because just as David Whyte’s words suggest, the relationship between our inner and outer lives is in a constant state of flux.
 
For instance, if you’ve ever had a sense of overwhelm with too many competing demands and flooded with urgent emails, or perhaps you’ve felt overlooked or unappreciated for a job well done, then you’ll be aware of how negative feelings can chew away inside and affect your outer mood and openness. Similarly, when we have positive inner feelings, these brighten our outlook and our mood. The way we show up in our outer life and interactions reflects our inner state, and this in turn, affects the quality of our interactions.
 
So there’s a constant interplay between our inner state and the way we show up in our outer life and the situations we encounter. One affects the other, and vice versa.  We’ll have some days when things are going well, and we show up with an open heart and an open mind.  And then there’ll be other days when some interaction may have sparked our inner fears which causes us to be more defensive than usual and less open to feedback we don’t want to hear. I imagine you’ve all experienced days when you’ve felt disheartened on the inside but have worn a brave face for the world. 
 
This is why regular reflective practice and growing one’s self-understanding is as important and valuable as developing one’s professional knowledge. Personal and professional development need to go hand in hand.   Authenticity and trustworthiness cannot be plastered on externally. This comes from within, and it requires an ongoing exploration of one’s inner ground, of getting to know one’s ‘whole’ self - both the light and shadow, strengths and limits, hopes and fears.  As Parker Palmer says, the most important thing we bring to our work and leadership is our Self and our ability to weave connections between ourselves and others, and the work we’re trying to do.
 
Connecting ‘who we are’ with ‘what we do’ lies at the heart of the Courage & Renewal® approach. Courage & Renewal retreats offer a unique and transformative approach to personal and professional development that deepens reflective practice, self-awareness, and interpersonal skills; replenishes well-being; and fosters closer alignment between one’s inner and outer lives.  This work is based on the belief that personal and organizational growth, and meaningful change always begins within.  Our internal life is central to our overall well-being.
 
When we know and trust ourselves – who we are and what we stand for – we’re better able to recognise and manage ego-led behaviour and show up in our outer lives with courage and integrity. Trustworthiness and courage are hallmarks of authentic presence and leadership.
 
You can find information about my next day retreat here.  If you’d like to learn more about my work, please don’t hesitate to contact me.  I’d love to hear from you.  

Take a moment to imagine an organization or community where mutual trust is a core value.
Where people respect and care for each other, both personally and professionally.
Where they trust each other to do their jobs well and with integrity.
Where they feel safe to speak truthfully and know they will be heard with an open mind.
Where they have permission to make mistakes and learn from them.
Where people keep their word. They do what they say they’re going to do.
Where people are courageous. They don’t avoid difficult conversations and issues.
Where trustworthy relationships with all stakeholders are a top priority.

Imagine the possibilities.
For growth, achievement, enjoyment and satisfaction.
For personal wellbeing and success.
For corporate wellbeing and success.
Imagine how quickly we could get things done.
How much more readily we could deal with conflict and change.
How creativity might flourish.
Imagine the positive impact on the triple bottom line.

I get excited when I imagine organizations like this. Trust is the foundation for doing good work together. This is the kind of place I want to be part of. Doesn’t everybody?

So why isn’t the need for a high-trust culture top of most organizational agendas? Could it be that trust struggles to get a foothold amongst the competition and ladder climbing common to most corporate cultures today?

Perhaps it’s because it is fear that prevails in these cultures, not trust, which means people are more motivated to keep their heads below the parapet. And they don’t have each other’s backs because they’re too busy watching their own. In these places creativity is likely to be stifled, decision-making to be risky and tortuous, and stress levels high. The people who thrive will be the politically savvy ones. The ones who have worked out that it’s important to cc as many people as possible into emailed instructions to ensure they spread the net of responsibility for decisions they’ve made. The ones who schedule their emails to go out at 10.30pm as evidence of their long working hours and dedication to the job.

Trust? I don’t think so. In these kinds of places, trust doesn’t have a look-in.

The problem with the traditional approach to leadership is that it’s based on a need for power and control, which is achieved through the dynamics of hierarchy, the setting of objective, measurable outcomes and a reporting regime of hard data as proof of achievement. There’s no place here for uncertainty or ‘beginner’s mind’ or wishy-washy concepts like trust.

And then there’s the hectic pace and demands of our work lives today that keep our attention scattered on the many outward tasks to be achieved. Multi-tasking becomes our second nature and “I’m too busy” our common catchphrase. Under these conditions it’s difficult to justify putting time aside for introspection and personal growth.

But trust comes first in the Rebel’s Guide to Leadership. True leadership can’t be faked. It can’t be plastered on to a shaky personal foundation. True leadership comes from within, so we must begin with ourselves, with inner work and self-reflection and a commitment to understanding what makes us tick. I’m talking about our deepest values and motivations. Our strengths and our limits. Our hopes and our fears. Our light and our shadow. Yes, it’s a recurring theme in the Rebel’s Guide, but this is the vital groundwork. How can we trust others if we don’t fully know and trust ourselves?

When we have a deep trust in ourselves, this flows naturally into our outer lives. It’s mirrored in the actions we take, in our choices, responses and relationships, in our leadership. It gives us the courage to show up with authenticity and integrity. The courage to extend trust to others, to loosen the shackles of fear that keep us quietly suspicious of others’ motives. Can I really trust this person? is a question we often ask ourselves of another. When we offer trust to others, we’re more likely to receive trust in return. In this way we grow trustworthy relationships in which people flourish, as does creativity, collaboration and the conditions for positive change.

Building trust doesn’t happen overnight though. It emerges as a result of our ongoing daily interactions with one another. Trust builds up, and can be knocked down, just like the balance in a bank account. When we are authentic with each other, when we keep our word, when we acknowledge that we’re all human, that we’re not perfect, that we don’t know all the answers. When we allow our personal lives to become part of our professional lives. Many workplace cultures require people to leave their personal lives at the door. Then we wonder why people are disengaged at work and attrition levels so high (Gallup).
​

• Is there a part of yourself that you leave outside your work life?

So how do we create the conditions for trust to grow? Trusting one another doesn’t mean we have to be best friends. However, it does mean we need to care for and respect each other and our differences.

1. Put aside hierarchy and power dynamics, show up as human and create the conditions for others to do so. Ask for help when needed, be prepared to show vulnerability.
2. An effective way of disrupting traditional power dynamics is to establish group guidelines for how you want to work together. For example, in my work as a facilitator and organizational consultant, I use Courage & Renewal Circle of Trust® guidelines known as touchstones. These touchstones create the boundary markers for trustworthy space in which people can show up with authenticity and integrity and engage in meaningful, open-hearted conversation.
3. Let go of perfection and the need for certainty, the need to know all the answers.
4. Welcome diversity, creativity and curiosity.
5. Practise and encourage deep listening. Welcome others’ perspectives.
6. Ask generous, open questions that invite exploration, enquiry and authenticity.
7. Foster community, collaboration and shared leadership.
8. Model reflective practice. Combine personal and professional development. Develop and encourage mindfulness practices.

·        COURAGE & RENEWAL TOUCHSTONES
​                             (a brief version)

• Give and receive welcome.
• Be present as fully as possible.
• Extend invitation, not demand.
• Speak your truth in ways that respect other people’s truth.
• No fixing, saving, advising, or correcting each other.
• When the going gets rough, turn to wonder.
• Practise asking open, honest questions.
• Attend to your own inner teacher.
• Trust and learn from the silence.
• Commit to and maintain confidentiality.
• Know that it is possible for the seeds planted here to keep growing in the days ahead.

      (Find a full version of the Touchstones here ) 

© 2020 by Mennie Scapens
An excerpt from The Rebel's Guide to Leadership

My birthday seemed an auspicious date to launch my new eBook - The Rebel’s Guide to Leadership.

The book weaves together stories from my personal rebel journey as co-founder and former principal of Matahui School in NZ with new theories of leadership and education. My purpose in writing the book is to encourage people to take a stand on things that matter to them, to challenge the status quo if necessary, to do what they can to help create a more compassionate, just and sustainable world. If you're uncomfortable with the idea of leadership, you may like Meg Wheatley’s definition of a leader as ‘anyone who is willing to help’.

In publishing The Rebel’s Guide to Leadership, I'm raising my rebel flag against the traditional, hierarchical leadership model, and also our society’s emphasis on achievements, affluence and appearance. Our culture has become so externally-focused, too many of us become disconnected from our own hearts and deepest values.

You can find out more about the book and download a free chapter here​.

 ​Many years ago I worked as personal assistant to a very difficult Financial Manager. Lao Tzu would have had a thing or two to say about him.  This man had an ego the size of a house.  He seemed to enjoy undermining and unsettling his staff, as though needing to constantly re-affirm his own superiority by making us all feel incompetent.  Today, we’d call him a bully.

In order to survive, my own ego came into play, and work came to feel more like a competition, which I spent my days trying to win.  I did everything I could to always appear cool, calm and competent, never asking for help or giving him any suggestion that I mightn’t understand something.  Even when that something  was completely new to me.  I worked around him as much as possible, because direct dealings often resulted in a bruised ego.  Mine, not his.   But the worst aspect, I think, was watching how he undermined my colleagues, particularly the junior staff, noticing how he damaged them, left them questioning their own sense of worth. 

Lao Tzu’s definition of a ‘wicked leader’ sums up this manager perfectly.  He was truly disliked by his people.  He created a culture of fear where there was no place for personal vulnerability or honesty. Needless to say, I didn't last long at that job, though when I made the decision to leave after only six months in the position, it felt to me like a personal failure.  He’d won and I’d lost.  At the same time, though, I realised that it was the organisation that had lost the most.

An extreme example of poor leadership, perhaps, but one that illustrates the nature of ego and how it can drive our behaviour through fear, desire and ambition.  An organisational culture that requires its people to always appear strong, objective and goal-focused will operate with an undercurrent of fear. Egos flourish in these environments because they’re all about having to look good in the eyes of others.  The need to be seen as successful, important, competent.  Competition will flourish also, because winning looks good, it strokes our ego, and it helps us feel good.  But it’s important to remember that this emphasis on outward appearances masks the true fears beneath.  Fear of failure.  Fear of not looking the part.  Fear of not belonging.  

The problem is that when our behaviour is driven by what others think of us, or what we look like, or what we manage to achieve, we will look outwards, not inwards, when making decisions.  We ignore, and risk losing touch with those deeper parts of ourselves where we're able to access our inner truth, our feelings and intuition, our values and beliefs. 

When we're able to step back from our ego and see it as a separate part of ourselves, we’re better able to recognise and control our ego-driven fears.  As I said in my last blog entry Head versus Heart, once we’re freed from the controlling influence of the ego, we find we have the courage to show up in the world with all of ourselves, with our strengths and weaknesses, our successes and failures.  With fear out of the way, trust is able to flourish, and we’re more likely to connect with a deeper sense of purpose in life and the courage to stand up and strive for what we believe in.