I think this little excerpt from David Whyte’s poem beautifully illustrates the paradoxical nature of being human.

We each have an outer Onstage life of work and family and relationships. These are the things that other people can see about us, perhaps the things we want them to see about us. These include our professional and social masks, our different roles and responsibilities at work and home, our social media presence, our qualifications, expertise, reputation and influence.

The Onstage life is very much the focus of our western culture. The work that we do, how much we achieve, and how we look while we’re doing it. These things are highly regarded, so this encourages us to focus our attention externally.

But the flipside is we also have a Backstage Life, that private and personal internal part of our Self that we may seldom share with others.  This is where we hold our deepest values and beliefs, the things we love and hate, our hopes and dreams, self-doubts, fears, and prejudices. Very few people may get to meet our Backstage self because it doesn’t feel safe to share her openly, so we keep her hidden away.  It doesn’t help that many workplace cultures encourage people to leave their personal inner lives at the door with a clear separation between one’s professional and personal life.  Sometimes we hide our inner self so successfully, we risk losing touch with her ourselves.

But when we strive to be authentic and to show up as our true selves in our life and work, our inner and outer lives need to be in closer alignment.  This is much easier said than done though, because just as David Whyte’s words suggest, the relationship between our inner and outer lives is in a constant state of flux.
 
For instance, if you’ve ever had a sense of overwhelm with too many competing demands and flooded with urgent emails, or perhaps you’ve felt overlooked or unappreciated for a job well done, then you’ll be aware of how negative feelings can chew away inside and affect your outer mood and openness. Similarly, when we have positive inner feelings, these brighten our outlook and our mood. The way we show up in our outer life and interactions reflects our inner state, and this in turn, affects the quality of our interactions.
 
So there’s a constant interplay between our inner state and the way we show up in our outer life and the situations we encounter. One affects the other, and vice versa.  We’ll have some days when things are going well, and we show up with an open heart and an open mind.  And then there’ll be other days when some interaction may have sparked our inner fears which causes us to be more defensive than usual and less open to feedback we don’t want to hear. I imagine you’ve all experienced days when you’ve felt disheartened on the inside but have worn a brave face for the world. 
 
This is why regular reflective practice and growing one’s self-understanding is as important and valuable as developing one’s professional knowledge. Personal and professional development need to go hand in hand.   Authenticity and trustworthiness cannot be plastered on externally. This comes from within, and it requires an ongoing exploration of one’s inner ground, of getting to know one’s ‘whole’ self - both the light and shadow, strengths and limits, hopes and fears.  As Parker Palmer says, the most important thing we bring to our work and leadership is our Self and our ability to weave connections between ourselves and others, and the work we’re trying to do.
 
Connecting ‘who we are’ with ‘what we do’ lies at the heart of the Courage & Renewal® approach. Courage & Renewal retreats offer a unique and transformative approach to personal and professional development that deepens reflective practice, self-awareness, and interpersonal skills; replenishes well-being; and fosters closer alignment between one’s inner and outer lives.  This work is based on the belief that personal and organizational growth, and meaningful change always begins within.  Our internal life is central to our overall well-being.
 
When we know and trust ourselves – who we are and what we stand for – we’re better able to recognise and manage ego-led behaviour and show up in our outer lives with courage and integrity. Trustworthiness and courage are hallmarks of authentic presence and leadership.
 
You can find information about my next day retreat here.  If you’d like to learn more about my work, please don’t hesitate to contact me.  I’d love to hear from you.  

My birthday seemed an auspicious date to launch my new eBook - The Rebel’s Guide to Leadership.

The book weaves together stories from my personal rebel journey as co-founder and former principal of Matahui School in NZ with new theories of leadership and education. My purpose in writing the book is to encourage people to take a stand on things that matter to them, to challenge the status quo if necessary, to do what they can to help create a more compassionate, just and sustainable world. If you're uncomfortable with the idea of leadership, you may like Meg Wheatley’s definition of a leader as ‘anyone who is willing to help’.

In publishing The Rebel’s Guide to Leadership, I'm raising my rebel flag against the traditional, hierarchical leadership model, and also our society’s emphasis on achievements, affluence and appearance. Our culture has become so externally-focused, too many of us become disconnected from our own hearts and deepest values.

You can find out more about the book and download a free chapter here​.

Imagine  
 
Imagine with me for a moment –
don’t worry, I’m not saying it’s real.
Imagine, if you can, that there has been
not a calamity, but a great awakening.
Pretend, just for a moment,
that we so loved our threatened earth
that we stopped going on cruises,
limited international flights,
worked on cherishing the places
where we already are.
In this pretty fantasy, everyone who possibly can
stops commuting. Spends the extra time
with their kids or pets or garden.
We have the revelation that everyone
needs health care, sick leave, steady work.
It occurs to us that health care workers
are heroes.  Also teachers.
Not to mention artists of all kinds
who teach us resilience and joy.
Imagine, if you will,
that we turned to our neighbours
in mutual aid, trading eggs for milk,
checking on those who are elderly
or alone. Imagine that each of us
felt suddenly called to wonder
In this moment, what does the world
Need from me? What are my gifts?
Yes, I know it’s just a fantasy.
The world would never change
So radically overnight.
But imagine.
 
Lynn Ungar

On Saturday, at our final Circle of Trust retreat for the year, we considered the lovely paradox of giving and receiving, how giving and receiving can be simultaneous and interconnected acts, like breathing in and breathing out.  How we can’t have one without the other.  The idea that in giving, we receive.  In receiving we give.

Lots of joy and laughter was shared, and also a few tears, as we recalled the best gifts we have given in our lives, and the best gifts we have received.

For many of us, giving comes easily and naturally.  Receiving, on the other hand, can be more challenging.   

Perhaps this is because giving is linked to generosity, a desired virtue. 

Receiving isn’t usually seen in the same light though.  Receiving is often thought of as simply getting something.  It has a more ‘selfish’ connotation, which may be why many of us find it more difficult to receive, or to ask for something.  We don’t want to be seen as selfish or self-serving.

I’ve come to recognise this in myself, how I can too quickly brush off offers of help, even compliments, without considering them, not allowing them to penetrate an invisible wall I’ve created.  This may also be because I’m one of those people who likes to be capable and in control.  So, for me, there is also a sense of vulnerability that comes with receiving or asking for help. 
 
     What gets in the way of receiving for you? 
     What gets in the way of giving?

We humans are complex beings, and a comfortable relationship with giving and receiving may continue to be a work-in-progress.   But this is important inner work, because it offers a deepening understanding of our interdependence.  Giving and receiving are at the heart of our life-giving human connection, our need for each other.

Which leads to a couple more questions …..

     Can we give in a way that makes receiving easy?
     Can we receive in a way that makes giving easy?

Giving and receiving are at the heart of the Circle of Trust approach, which is based on the work of writer, teacher and social activist Parker J. Palmer.  In a Circle of Trust we give and receive the gift of welcome and non-judgement, we give and receive the gift of deep listening, we give and receive the gift of invitation and non-invasion, we give and receive the gift of silence and space for personal reflection and renewal.

The principles and practices we learn in a Circle of Trust can go with us into our personal and professional lives to help us grow and sustain trustworthy relationships and be more effective and resilient in the face of life's changes and challenges. 
 
If you'd like to experience a Circle of Trust retreat, please check out my 2020 calendar of day retreats.  And of course, you're welcome to contact me if you’d like to know more. 

Meanwhile I send you warm wishes for a restful and renewing break over the Christmas period, for happy times with loved ones, doing the things that sustain you and bring joy to your life.